My Favorite Jokes

I love a good joke. Of course, what constitutes a "good" joke is a very personal thing, and one person's side-buster may leave other people staring in puzzlement. At the risk of boring some readers to tears, however, I present here my very favorite jokes, collected over many years. A few of these are from my father, who was a great jokester. You may pick up on my upbringing in and near NY City in the '50s and '60s. And, my connection to Unitarian Universalism is represented by a short section of UU jokes down below (or click here) and, reflecting my interest in music (specifically the cello), a section of music-related jokes at the end of the page (or click here).

A man along with his wife and mother-in-law went on a trip to the Holy Land. While there, the mother-in-law passed away. He went to an undertaker to find out his options.

"You have her shipped home for $5,000 or have her buried here for $150."

"I will ship her home," the man quickly replied.

The undertaker responded, "If I may ask, why would you spend so much to ship her home when you cave a lovely burial here for much less?"

Well," replied the man, "Two thousand years ago a man died here, was buried, and came back to life. I am not taking any chances."

By mistake, a young man and a young woman, strangers, were assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train. The train was full and they could not be moved, so they decided to make the best of it. The man put on his PJs and slipped into the upper berth and the woman put on a nightie and got in the lower.

A few minutes later, the fellow said "Excuse me miss, but I am cold. Can you please reach in the closet and pass me a blanket?"

The woman replied "I have a better idea--for just one night, let's pretend we are married."

As the woman was quite attractive, the fellow thought this was a great idea and told her so.

"OK," she replied, "Get your own fucking blanket."

And then he farted.

President Calvin Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were making a presidental visit to a farm. While viewing the chicken pens, Mrs. Coolidge asked the farmer "How many times a day does the rooster copulate?" The farmer replied "Many times a day." Mrs. Coolidge said "Please tell that to the president."

A woman writes a letter to Santa Claus.

"Dear Santa: This year for Christmas I want a fat bank account and a skinny butt. And please don't get them mixed up like last year."

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees something unusual in the surf. It's a gorgeous woman in a wet suit. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

The elderly rabbi dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates. He is kept waiting. A while later, a bus driver arrives and is admitted immediately. The rabbi is irate – “Why am I, a respected rabbi, kept waiting while a mere bus driver is let in right away?” An angel answers. “Rabbi, when you gave your sermons, your congregation napped. When that bus driver drove his bus, his passengers prayed to God.”

Charlie was quite ill and went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the doctor asked to speak to the wife alone.

"You husband's condition is serious, but he can be cured, it's up to you. He needs complete rest and relaxation. He must sleep as late as he wants, then you must make him his favorite breakfast--lunch and dinner, too. And you must clean up. Also, he is to be excused from all housework, yardwork, shopping, and the like. Whenever he wants sex, be accepting and do whatever he asks. He gets to watch whatever he wants on TV. If he asks for a foot rub or back massage, give it to him. If you do this for a year, he will be cured."

On the way home in the car, Charlie asked his wife "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die."

I am in trouble with my wife. She asked me what was on the TV and I answered “dust.”

The young man returned from college to celebrate the holidays with his family. His gift from his mother was two neckties, one red and one blue. He decided to wear the red tie for dinner. His mother looks at him and sniffs, “So, you don’t like the blue tie?”

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to see their pastor for advice about their marital problems. Mrs. Smith talked a mile a minute describing the situation, while Mr. Smith sat with a dour face. After a while, the pastor held up his hand to stop the talk, walked over to Mrs. Smith, stood her up, and gave her a long and passionate hug and kiss. “Mr. Smith,” the pastor said, “your wife needs this once a week, it will solve all your problems.” Mr. Smith thought for a moment and then said “Thanks, pastor. I will have her here at 10:00 AM every Tuesday.”

The elderly woman called the police to report indecent exposure by the young man next door. When the officer arrived he looked around. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't see anything."

The woman replied "Of course not. You have to stand on that chair and use the binoculars."

At a faculty party, the university president was complaining to the chair of the physics department about the high cost of research equipment. "Why can't you be like the mathematicians, " he said, "all they need is paper, a pencil, and a wastebasket. Or better yet, the philosophers--they don't need a wastebasket."

The nurse said to the doctor "The invisible man is in the waiting room and wants an appontment."

The doctor replied "Tell him I won't be able to see him."

Moses came down from Mount Sinai and spoke to the Israelites.

"I have good news and bad news," he said.

"The good news is that I got Him down to ten."

"The bad news is that adultery is still forbidden."

The elderly gentleman enters the Catholic church and goes into the confessional. “Father, I am 75 years old and happily married. But, last night I took Viagra, got two young whores, and made love to them all night long.”

The priest is horrified. “That was a terrible sin, my son, you must say 10 Hail Marys and 20 Our Fathers.”

The man replies, “I don’t know what those are, I’m not Catholic.”

The priest sputters, “If you’re not Catholic, why are you telling this to me?”

“I’m telling everyone.”

Two ladies are complaining about their recent visit to a resort. “The food was terrible,” one says. The other replies, “Yes, and such small portions!”

A priest and a rabbi, strangers, find themselves seatmates on a long flight. They strike up a conversation and soon feel right at home with each other. After a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, the priest asks the rabbi “Tell me, have you ever eaten bacon?”

“Yes,” the rabbi replies, “I tried it as a youth once, I am ashamed to say. It was quite tasty.”

A few minutes later, the rabbi asks the priest “Father, be honest, have you ever made love to a woman?”

The red-faced priest replies, “Once while at seminary I was tempted and succumbed.”

Says the rabbi, “It’s a lot better than bacon, isn’t it?”

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you have to help us, my sister thinks she is a chicken.” The psychiatrist replies, “Have you considered putting her in an institution?” “We can’t,” the man answers, “we need the eggs.”

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He announces that his dog is very smart and can answer questions. The other patrons are doubtful and ask for a demonstration.

The man asks the dog “What’s on top of a house?” The dog replies “Roof.”

The man asks the dog “Who was the greatest baseball player?” The dog answers “Ruth.”

The patrons are not fooled and they throw the man and his dog out into the street. The dog looks up at the man. “Should I have said Ty Cobb?”

One penguin says to another, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”

The second penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”

I married “Miss Right.” Only later did I learn her first name was “Always.”

A woman walks past a pet shop and sees a gorgeous parrot in the window. Having always wanted a parrot, she goes in and asks the price. "$50" replies the store owner.

"Why such a low price?" she asks.

"You see, this parrot spent the last 10 years in a brothel and picked up some rather interesting language."

She figures - how bad can it be? She buys the parrot, takes it home, and puts it in her living room. The parrot looks around and says "Awk, new house, new house. Nice."

The parrot looks at the woman. "Awk, new madam, lovely, lovely."

At this moment the woman's two teenage daughters come in. "Awk, new girls, new girls, pretty pretty."

Then her husband comes in.

"Awk, hello Edgar."

Three men are trekking through the forest and come to a wide and dangerous river. One man prays, “God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees he now has a powerful swimmer’s physique. He jumps in and swims across the river.

The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.

The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.

A woman is on a solo hike in the mountains when she slips off the trail and slides down the slope, catching herself at the last second with her fingertips on a small rock ledge. Above her is a slick rock wall with no handholds, below is a 100 foot drop onto jagged rocks. Despairing, she calls up to the trail "Is anyone there?"

A resonant voice answers from the clouds, "I am here my child. I will save you if you have faith."

"Yes, my Lord," she answers, "I have faith! What must I do."

"You must let go and fall, then I will catch you, and you will be saved by your faith."

The woman looks again at the jagged rocks below and then up to the trail.

"Is there anyone ELSE up there?"

The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle and was unsure. He asked a Cardinal "I need a four letter word that means 'woman' and ends in 'unt'."

The Cardinal replied "aunt."

The Pope said "Thanks. Can I borrow your eraser?"

Milton Berle used to go to an old folks home once in a while to put on a little show and cheer up the residents. One time he noticed an old lady sitting all by herself and looking rather sad, so he decided to pay her some special attention. He went over to her.

"Hi," he said, "do you know who I am?"

"No," she replied, "but if you ask the nurse she'll tell you."

The young seminary student was invited to have tea with the Mother Superior at the nearby convent. It was a lovely day so he decided to walk. His route took him through the seedy part of town. A skimpily dressed young woman came up to him and asked "How about a quicky for ten bucks?" He had no idea what she was talking about so muttered "No thanks" and walked on. A few blocks later another young woman asked him the same thing: "Ten bucks for a quicky?" Again he muttered "No" and walked on.

After having tea with the Mother Superior, curiosity got the better of him. "Mother Superior," he asked, "what's a quicky?"

She replied "ten bucks, same as in town."

A woman and her football-player date are at a bar, watching the 11 o'clock news. The news is covering a fellow who went out onto a 20th floor building ledge and is threatening to jump.

"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the woman.

"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," replies the football player.

A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The guy takes out $20 and hands it to his date.

"I can't take your money," the woman says. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."

"I saw that too," replies the football player, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."

A cellist was asked by the minister of a local church if he would be willing play at the graveside service for a homeless man who had died with no family or friends. The cellist agreed.

On the appointed day he packed up his chair and instrument in the car and headed for the Paupers Field on the edge of town. He got lost. He fiinally found the place, recognized by a hole half filled with dirt, a backhoe, and two workmen sitting and eating their lunch. But everyone else was gone.

The cellist felt terrible at having been late--the poor fellow had to go to his final reward without any music. He decided to play anyway in hopes that the fellow's spirit could hnear and would be grateful. So he set up his chair and started to play. Because he was feeling very emotional he played as beautifully as ever he had. The workmen watched with rapt attention. When he finished his last tune, Amazing Grace, both he and the workers had tears running down their cheeks. He shared hugs with the workers and headed back to his car.

He then heard one worker say to the other "I have never seen anything like that--and I have been installing septic tanks for 20 years."

A Labrador retriever, a doberman pinscher, and a Siamese cat all die at the same time and find themsevles before the throne of God.

"Mr. Labrador,," says God, "Tell me what you believe."

"I believe in complete unswerving loyalty to my mistress under all circumstances."

"Very well," says God, "You may sit at my right hand. And you, Mr. Doberman, what do you believe?"

"I believe in protecting my master and his family from any and all threats."

"Excellent," repliess God, "You may sit at my left hand. And how about you, Ms. Cat?"

"I believe you are in my chair."

Unitarian Universalist Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?

A: With a coffin, the stiff is on the inside.

Told to me by cellist Thomas Maternik:

An hour before the concert, the symphony orchestra's conductor fell ill and was taken to the hospital. The orchestra administrators were in a panic - what would they do? The principal cellist came into their office. "I studied conducting in college and in fact have conducted this very piece. If you wish, I will do what I can." The concert went forward under his baton and was a great success. After, he went back stage and was confronted by the rest of the cello section. "Where the hell have you been all evening?"

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Did you hear about the cellist who claimed that he could play 64th notes? And to prove it, he played one.

Q: How does a violinist keep her instrument from being stolen?

A: She keeps it in a viola case.

A cellist agreed to play at the graveside service of a homeless person who had died without friends or family. On the appointed day he loaded his cello and chair into his car and headed for the paupers' cemetery at the edge of town. He got lost. He finally found what, he thought, must be the place, with a backhoe, a partially filled rectangular hole in the ground, and two workers sitting and eating their lunches. But...no one else, he had missed the funeral.

He felt terrible and decided to play anyway. He set up next to the excavation and started playing, and because of the his emotion played as beautifully as ever he had. When he reached the final piece, Amazing Grace, he and the workers all had tears running down their cheeks. After an exchange of wordless hugs, he headed back to his car. As he walked, he overheard one worker say to the other: "I have never seen anything like that, and I have been installing septic tanks for 20 years."

A bunch of funny quotes from the music world: Music Quotes